Walking on this endless road....

When i think back into the past, thought of how i used to be in Primary school. Quiet and often bullied by schoolmates around me. I was even bullied by my form teacher and i still remembered her name up till now. Apart from these ordeals (none generated any phobias in me), i do also got to know many nice primary school teachers and i still remember their names. Mrs Paula Tan used to be my mathematics teacher who did simple calculation on the board with funny sounds and gesture. Mrs Ong used to be my art teacher who brought me out of the classroom and scolded me (not loudly but softly) for using vulgarities freely in class. Mr Calvin Tay used to be my Primary 4 form teacher and also my physical education teacher as well. A very nice guy but can be fierce at times and his signature looks like an illustrative drawing of a bird (if u know what i mean, think juvenile). Ms Koh Gek Kiang used to be my Chinese teacher who left the school when i was in Primary 5, she left a very deep impression on me and the last day of her teaching career, she played the song "guan huai fang shi" on recorder for a few of us to listen. I saw tears in her eyes and likewise, me too. I know where she stayed but not sure if she has moved. Ms Siti Zhubaida used to be my English teacher, very soft-spoken person and extremely friendly. Mrs Yeo used to be my music teacher, she is fierce but we all liked her because she treats us really nice. Mdm Yong also used to be my music teacher, a rather old lady but very approachable. Mrs Nair used to be my science teacher who is by far, the best teacher i have met in Primary school. She invited us to her house in Yio Chu Kang, a bungalow and i was amazed by that humongous living room she had. That was also the first time i knew of the existence of that kind of house. During my Primary school days, i don't like to study at all and i hate morning classes. The only happy moments in school were buying malay food from the canteen, nuggets, chicken kebah and chicken platter. My favorite food in school. Block catching was my "school-hood" fun and going to my friend house, Jasrie, who stayed at block 793 in Yishun, used his computer and played games like Titanic. It seems all carefree but who would have expected that my life back then wasn't as simple as what other kids life were like....... In that period of time, i lost my grandfather and uncle..........in Primary 2 and Primary 3 respectively.....

Secondary school days were by far, the period when i learned alot of things about life by observing people and things around me. Groomed by many teachers because of my sister's notorious existence in school hahaha. I was the only student to ever have 5 CCAs in school and did well for my O levels (seemed like a dream that i really did not expect at all). Simple CCAs but you would see me carrying different items, in different outfits and running around the school during certain occasions. Photography, Leo club, Ex-co in prefectorial board, Choir and Northwest CDC junior counselor. The only day when i can go home right after school was monday and all the other days i could only leave at 5pm due to these commitments i had back then. I remembered all my teachers back then and till now i still occasionally head back to pay them a visit. As usual, i would hang out with my friends and play games at their place. I failed my first semester exam because i failed my English subject (in the past, if u fail English, u fail everything). I was disheartened but i worked hard from then onwards and my ranking moves up from the second semester all the way till the end. I have gotten bursary award for my first year and subsequently, scholarship award for the rest of the academic period. I was happy because i could have savings as emergency usage for my mother. I have never spent the money on clothes or necessities but all given to my mother. Perhaps that explains why i looked unappealing at all in those days. My life has always been 10 steps behind the usual people around me. When people are using handphones (those latest models), i am still using phonecards. Those were the kind of life i was in before but of course, nothing to complain about given that kind of a situation my family was in. O levels results were really shocking to me. I really did not expect i would do that well back then. I was dubbed the dark horse for that cohort. Someone quiet and silent who might turn out to be the shining star. True enough hahaha I noted jealously from a few of my friends when my name was announced in the hall as being one of the top scholar in that cohort. But that's alright.

No matter how tough life has been, time will still pass by and no matter how much you have suffered in the past, there is no such thing as "endless suffering"....... there will be one day when all will come to a stop and things will turn around...... it applies to enjoyment as well. When i looked back into my past, it all seems to have happened and ended yesterday all at once...... sometimes i do feel that i have not spent my days in the past wisely (referring to pri and sec school days) but it doesn't matter so long as you are living your life to the fullest from the moment you know that you don't want to regret about anything in life at all......

Quote of the night.....

It is all in the past but still deep-rooted in my memory that time will never be able to take it away from me.....

I though maybe perhaps...

Have this sudden urge of wanting to blog. It's already October 7th and in exactly 1 month will be the commencement of my exams, how exciting! Feeling really lethargic and really tired these few days, i wonder why. I hasn't smoked for a week already hahaha, kinda like an accomplishment :P

I have been thinking A LOT in these few months over here. Thinking about the future, the present and on love, family, career, friends, close friends, life and strangers...... So much questions accumulating in me and i really hope 1 day i could answer them thoroughly. It's not about telling others what's always on your mind would solve problems, different people have different approach to solving a problem. So i did rather find that solution by myself, things are always complicated by having more people knowing what the problems are (although not always).

Can't wait to return back to Singapore....... there are so many things i want to do when i go back and i hope i wouldn't be restricted in anyways although i know i am restricted by time from Mon to Fri..... but still i have got the night to live with.....

As humans, we all love to complain about others, criticize and judge other people without taking a closer look at themselves before passing nonsensical remarks on certain situation. When thing goes wrong, how can you be so sure that you are not the "aetiological agent" but others?

I have had enough people telling me how tough their life have been (not referring to anyone who have access to my blog), how terrible this guy is to her etc etc etc. hahaha, i wish i can complain about everything that i am not satisfied with hahahaha but most of the time i don't, i just solve them bit by bit and make myself satisfied with what the outcome of my solution is. It is alright if you complain and do something about it but it is damn annoying if you don't do anything at all.

I love the word "Karma"....... hahaha i can see this happening to quite a number of people around me. To harm others in any sense, be it in physical, emotional or psychological aspects, you put yourself at risk of getting the same thing happening to you in greater magnitude of effect....

I have been dreaming alot when sleeping. I remembered all my dreams and many were repetitive. At least there is still some "place" that i can let loose of everything that's bothering me and not care about them at all hahaha

Quote of the night....

It is important to be yourself, if you don't, what's the point of calling yourself "myself" when there is no one unique you?

Racing with time....

It's October already and my very first post for the month. How's everything back in Singapore? A couple of important people had passed away and may their souls rest in peace....

Examinations are around the corner and here i am still hanging around FB and tapping on the buttons on my PSP.... 2 exam papers and i am done for the whole academic years! Kudos! It has been less stressful for than before and perhaps some might know why :). Things change and people change, there are so much influences around us..... as much as i have hanged around FB may seems to be seen as a distraction but it is going to distract from smoking hahaha, my cigarettes are done and i am not smoking anymore :)

I have also turned vegetarian, not exactly a full-fledged one but i have not eaten meat for many weeks already. Thanks to you, not doing this for you but for myself etc, you know what i mean.

Have already started packing my stuff even though the exam is 5 weeks from now. I can't wait to enjoy that LONG holidays although i have got "something" on hahaha. Nothing beats the swimming pool and the sun back in Singapore! :)

Doing my revisions and memorizing all the taxonomic names of the species of parasites really stress me out hahaha but i love how it screws my brain and squeeze every bit of my brain juice out.... hahahaha (sicko!)

Looks like there are alot of things to do when i get back............. should i get an iPhone? I am JEALOUS of the iphone-ers!!! hahahahah :P

Quote of the night....

Being positive in everything you do propels you further than you can ever imagine.....

Understand the cues and understand the reason...

It has been awhile isn't it? Clearing almost half of the semester and another half more to go before i complete the academic years for my course of study in UQ. How is everyone so far? Good i believe :). Have been dreaming consecutively since many weeks ago. I can remember many things that i have dreamt about. I have dreamt of my family, my friends, my relatives and the Army...... i have a dream about something happening to me, i don't know what may have happened to me, but it seems pretty real and imminent......

How long will this last? There is this continous thoughts on the same thing over and over again every single night...... every single puff of the cigarettes are countless particles of thoughts...... feeling really confined and really stagnant with life over here... Project mates are not really putting in enough or rather sufficient effort in doing the research, why? But that's fine, i can see where their real focuses in life are...... pretty obvious that studies ain't much of a priority...

Different people, different perspective. Different people percieve the idea of fever differently. We are all different and our similarities ain't described in the form of bar graphs but scattered plots where the slightest difference can still be seen.... we have our own sets of ideas and own sets of philosophies we created for ourselves. We have our own sets of goals that we want to achieve and most importantly, we have our own world that we live in.......

Why do i feel like i am a lion in a circus? Being manipulated, being controlled? But i can fully understand why, because i allowed myself to be........ 自作多情....

Some times, i am really really really tired..... this semester is a special semester for me. I have seen many different kind of characters in Uni, even friends i knew of, their negative selves are coming out as well. But it doesn't matter......

What does having feelings for someone means to you? What does having feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for you means to you? What does having feelings for someone who already have someone else means to you? what does having feelings for someone who could have feelings for you but is forbiddened to means to you? What does having feelings for someone who also have feelings for you means to you???? Alot of questions and answers are variable.......

Quote of the night.......

The sun is out but why does it feel that the night is never ending in my world.......it is all for that one word..... loneliness....

Shame on you......

Have you guys read the news on that 26 million loss in the Casino? It really disappoints me so much that i feel ashame of myself, on humans. How can these people be so unaware that this is really a HUGE sum of money? Does he know how many people he can help with that kind of money? I seriously don't understand why at all. I am really really sad to know that we have humans like that. Utter disappointments.

I am not trying to attract attentions from the government or anyone. But look at this, the casino does help to bring in revenues for the country, we do give credit for that. However, look at what it does to humans? Do you think it is really a good economic booster? Although it is but it is bringing the worst out of many people. Their gambling temptations. You would say to gamble or not is their choice, we can't change them. Having a gambling option, you are opening doors for them. I know how gambling can harm a family, i myself am in it, i have seen it and i have experienced it and it is still haunting me every now and then. If you are trying to help us, please do something about it. Your prosperity is not shared among us all, you have all the luxury but not us all have it. Do spare a thought........

Sigh, why are these people even here in the first place. Really shame on them. I made a small donation of 30 USD to the mercycorp site that's under the arms of World Health Organisation. I can say that i am currently not financially stable enough to help, in light of this casino incident, it makes me angry and it disappoints me. I feel ashamed and i want to help. In future, when i graduated and is working, i will make a monthly contribution to the charity. It may not be much but think about it, how much would it worth to them? ALOT. I am not trying to show how good i am or how mature i am, it has nothing to do with it........ there are so many in the world, if each is willing to come out with a dollar, do you know how much these dollars can help? ALOT.......... sigh

Fighting war, building infrastructures, opening businesses and etc, does the business men make donations to charity? I don't know but i hope they do........ 1/10 of a company's revenue to charity, is it alot? Think about it......... i am really really really disappointed......

Quote of the night.....

If you are not behaving humanely, it speaks well of all of us.......

The changing "weather".......

The wind has been really strong lately....... in exchange for a clear night sky, the cold weather is retained every single night..... the stars have been really quiet lately, been talking to them before i turn in but all i hear is my own replies that echoed within.....

It hasn't been really easy to cope with all these emotional disagreements. In the midst of this "battle", i am still doing my assignments and occasionally gets carried away, pretty far away from the ground.....

Maybe afterall, the very first brick is laid wrongly....... i see this gradual change in me ever since i came over and i seems to have become a totally different person already..... my "shell" is still Ernest but my soul has changed........

Maybe my very first intuition i have when i flew over was right, i should have bear that clearly in mind and then think of it when i return.... hahahaha

Am i really special? Weird question to be asking myself or others. I am an EVIL person, i do bad things when no one is watching and i do good things when everyone is around..... i make potions at home that kills and mesmerize people.....

I am EVIL!!

Quote of the night....

There are things that we know and there are things that we don't. So very often that we chose to not know the things that we know, hoping to ease the pain...... this is not going to work..............

Bleeding away.....

I was watching Marley and Me on my lappy a while ago. Have anyone watched it before? I cried, as usual.... full of emotions and sentimental values that came out from the show extending from families to personal well-beings. Apart from being touched by the show, somehow i do feel that i need warmth..... especially at this period of time overseas. But i know there are many things that are not within my power to do so......

Housemates are out again, clubbing and enjoying life, no worries at all. Their worries are about finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend, worrying about their image..... many more that i couldn't comprehend. They are 4 years older than me..... i feel like i am supposed to be their age and they be mine age instead.....

Was feeling down a while ago and sang out loud in the toilet while clearing my bowels, nothing unusual about me, that's what i always do..... hiding in a more confined area tends to limit the amount of thinkings going on in my mind.... i see it that way which might not seems to be logically.....

Seriously, i wonder will i be able to survive through honours year which begins next year....i am not very much affected by the amount of school works i have.... Since secondary school, i always would like to be in a english country and i always like the characteristics of "ang mohs", i always want to learn to speak like them and be able to possess their abilty to socialize at ease..... I being in Australia is really a fulfillment of some of my little wishes. With the natural influences here coupled with my "likings", i find it hard to retain myself......

I am sick over here, down with allergenic asthma, perhaps due to the cold weather as well as the dust in my room. Seems to have a throat infection, maybe some bacteria infection or it could be influenza infection. My flu is killing me, has been on since last week..... everyday since the start of school, i am always awakened 30 minutes or an hour before my alarm sounds off..... i guess something is wrong with and my dreams have been really really weird, seems to be suggesting a certain emotional situation that i am in...... Though highly unlikely, perhaps i will leave a few "words" here just in case if anything should happen to me in my sleeps. As we all know, life by its very own nature is tough, biologically, we have to fight off infections and develop symptoms during the fight. Business-ly, we have work hard to get a job and secure it. Personally, we have to feed our family and take care of one another. Then we have friends and what they truely are for, is still a big question yet to be answered. Accept the fact that friends can be a burden at times, accept the fact that friends can also be the one who destroy your future, accept the fact that friends can be your greatest influence and change you from inside out, accept the fact that not all friends are forever...... We can NEVER understand what's in the minds of others except for our own. Nothing in life comes without a price, apart from those whose parents are well off to be able to provide luxury to their children. What you percieved at first sight, isn't necessary always the true side of a story.....We are all humans, we have our own dark secrets, some obvious and some not so. None of us can safely, without attracting controversy, be able to say, "i am pure and innocent from the day i was born". Be accepting of people's flaw and mistakes, chances are given and as many times as you wished to give... I am happy to be where i am now, who i am, what i am and all that i have, even though it's not much but i can simply say, i am fortunate..... no matter how tough a situation is, there is always a way to solve it..... humans tend to think so far into the future without taking into consideration how flickered minded we are. If you are planning for your future 10 years down the road, you are planning it with a mind of your current age. By the time you hit X+10 years, with that aged mind, it would have changed by then. Alot can happened within that 10 years. People can be so sure that whatever that's pen-ed down in black and white will truely reflects the exact reality.... Don't behave arrogantly because one day you will realise that u are in a 1 man battle against the world..... so much to write and so little time to spill them out......... tired...

Quote of the night.....
It's meaningless to know this feeling without understanding it.......

The change...

My last day in Singapore yet again. So much have happened in this 1 month stay, happy ones as well as sad ones, a balance is always a good thing but not always the case.

Doing something that you are willing to do is very different from doing something for the sake of doing it. Doing things unwillingly is as good as not doing it. Why do it when you don't feel like doing it? Is it always true to say that, "friends are there when you needed them the most"? When you needed your friend most, do you approach them or do you wait for them to approach you? Both approaches are completely different.

Approaching your friends for emotional support or any other form of support seems to be the more correct approach and when friends approach you when coincidently, you are experiencing some struggles, are based on luck and coincidence.

If one don't express his or her concern or situations in which they are in, everyone around wouldn't be able to know whether or not you need support in which ever ways that are deemed feasible. We can't expect our friends whom we don't live together under the same roof (maybe some do), to know at which time of the day he/she would feel emotionally lost, even so under the same roof, i doubt we did be able to know that. We are not mind readers.

There are many kinds of problems, some problems can be solved easily and some couldn't. I limit the number of friends whom i tell my problems to is simply because the problem is not easy to solve and only time will tell. Moreover, it involves legal issues which are enforce by the law. All i need is a few listeners, that's all and moreover, it ain't something that i should tell alot of people about.

Things have changed so much and i have noticed the change in me as well, it has been tough but i really do not have a choice..................

Quote of the day....

Your judgement is right simply because you said so, in your own world, you set your own rights and wrongs but in the real world and in the world of others, it may not be the case......... this explains part of our differences......

Half way through time....

Phewww...... my mind is full of stone and total lethargy.... not that i don't wish to do anything but i am just living every seconds on and on.... Been really happy and it seems that afterall, fairytales do exist. Perhaps the past experience and the lonely path walked for a year and a half have somewhat "stalled" (did i spell it correctly?) my thoughts. Trying to get it going again like how it was last time. It is going great and accelerating faster than i thought.

It is inevitable that i did experience some attachment and detachment of my connection with the world of emotions. What could be the factors? Perhaps work commitment in the future, family and of course studies. I am perfectly fine with all these and i know how far i can go as a stead (primary school kids term). Perhaps none except for the ones who knows that distance hahahaha.

There is one extra conclusion that i can make in this return trip to Singapore, there will be another person whom i will miss, written with tears and blood on the list i have in me. Tears of all kinds will fall in this period of time, afterwhich, it will be a list i look through over and over again every night when i sleep alone in Brisbane. When i feel overwhelmed by that loneliness, the amount of stress and the amount of "fake mask" i put up, i will cry and i will "play" every happy moments i have in life with special people and people who really really impacted my life with such force that "imprints" are made........

There are many things in my life have been "furnished" by people all around me, people who knows and people who don't know that they form a part of my life. After so many years, important comments and motivational sentences are still deep rooted in me...... I thank all those people.....

Quote of the night...

There can never be success when one knows nothing about failure.......

At this point our path merged as one...

Time flies and a week is over since i flew back to Singapore. Quarrels, sorrows and anger feels this home of mine. Would i say it is over or all these are just the beginning? I have no idea at all. One after another, first my sister and now my turn to be sick yet still be able to walk and talk but of course, uncomfortable moments were still when i was on bed trying to get some sleeps. There is this Angel always beside me, whose actions and motions were felt by me and seen by my very own eyes, was it a dream or is it real? True enough, it is real and the temperature was "carried" away by this care and love that was and is given by this person. You know who you are :) love you.

Condominium, Huskeys, car and career...... none is actually on my priority list, simply because, all these are superficial and items or rather objects (aren't they the same? haha), you are important than all these that i need :). First person whom i have shown the stars and Venus to, first to take a stroll in the park across and back on the Henderson Bridge, first to enjoy a "candle lit" dinner at Sapphire Restaurant and of course, the first to ever hold my hands throughout the car journey to where ever our destination is, first to really take care of me when my temperature soar above 39 degree celsius..... and probably the only one who said, "why need a second car when we can share one?" hahahaha frightening yet sweet enough to melt me away even in winter :).

I miss you alot and all the times that we have spent so far..........

Quote of the night....

Sometimes it ain't about love at the very first moment but affections that way precedes the idea of love that eventually give rise to a long lasting kind of love......

Time flies...... *abit too fast*

In about 5 days time, i will be back in Singapore yet again. Every return seems to be emotionally "heavier" then before. Am i supposed to be happy or am i suppose to feel upset? So confusing! Things are getting bad to worst and at this age of mine, why does it feel like i am already a "full-blown" adult settling family issues, financial issues and career issues? The key word is "settling" not experiencing, 2 very different scenario. I am still a student!

Looks like my youth period has ended since like 8 years ago? Damn! I hasn't really been enjoying myself since then! *unsatisfied* haha Well if life has to be this way, what is there to do about it than just live through and take on every challenges that come along.

Of every other days, but during my exam period, all that have to reach my ears. Last 2 semesters, also the same things, on my exams! What? A head up for what i am in for when i immediately touch down? I thought i am busy enough with all these Uni stuff and now what?

Maybe i should consider Missing-In-Action as a way out. Make it next year then.

I am beginning to realise that i am losing myself to this battle with the devil in me. Stuck between the parallel plane between the Good and the Evil. Probably i might prevail more being evil hahahahaha However, whether or not a person is good or evil depends upon the people around him/her. NOT everyone will think this person is good and NOT everyone will think this person is evil too. Fair shares of the agonist and the antagonist.

My housemates are competing with each other over being able to captivate someone's heart, much like a "fling" kinda game. While they are doing that, i am struggling with issues back home. Do you guys see the drastic difference in the atmosphere over here? It is making my atmosphere that is bad enough to worst. Same age and one is older. Well, absolute seclusion from their influence.

I am being very positive, i don't put on a sulky face and speak to people or walk the streets. I say hi to strangers more than before and i smile even when i don't feel i have the mood to. I remain calm and cheerful in front of my housemates and i do talk to them trying to fit into their atmosphere. But, being this positive doesn't shun the negative things apart, by the aspects of physics, "like charge repel and unlike charge attracts", so when there are positive things, there are bound to be negative ones, that's a balance between both.

I listen to music which my housemates think are crappy. Songs like "return to innocence" "hymn to the sea (titanic soundtrack)" and "Only time". Trying to really keep myself together, trying really really hard and one word, it is hard.

Gym and gym and gym as usual, everyday to take one hour off the clock and spare myself from all the thoughts. It is helpful to a certain extend but doesn't provide much comfort.

I silently pray to the gods, any gods who hear me, to show me at least a path that i can see. All that appears in my dream are what seems real and imminent. True enough it is.......

Quote of the night...

Many things are planned, no matter how well you avoid, it will come back to you....

An expired seasonal pass......

So it seems, the revertant nature of long distance love still prove to be "prevalent". Revertant would mean from a state of euphoria (context of love) to a state of complete lost (like how many or perhaps a few single souls would be). Perhaps all these are expected outcomes given the slight details obtained from close observations, it is pretty obvious though. Anyway, that's over and now for a new beginning but before that, i would perhaps illustrate my title as to why "an expired seasonal pass".

Perhaps most of you might have more or less got the meaning of it. Love like friends, they DO come at one moment and gone the next. We generally termed them as seasonal friends. Like in the laboratory i am working in, those colleagues are what i called seasonal friends, in about a yr and a half time, i will leave this place. They may remember me or they may not given the fact that we meet so many people in a single day. That's how things work. For sure, i wouldn't forget them simply because i don't have many friends to remember. Many would mean probably a thousand (exaggerating).

So, i was handed this "pass" and it expired just recently. That's life and this is how i cope with it; think through it for a moment, reflect on it and forget about it. This is not always successful depending on the magnitude of emotions that i have put into.

There have been very nice friends who occasionally "sprinkle" their presence on my FB walls and it DOES make me feel cared for even if it wasn't meant that way, certainly it has given me some form of strength to move on with life. You know who you are and i am thankful for all that presence you guys gave me, even here on my blog.

When you are all alone in your world, discovery of life in general seems to be more reliable as compared to having an "extra" commitment apart from your job as a son or a father (pretty clear on what i am refering to). I may be wrong but it seems to be that this is how it is.

Feel so stuck between reality and virtuality, so which is which? The once clear distinct line between the extremes seemed to have merge as one. Maybe, afterall, fairytales are just a written story based on our own imagination on the best outcomes created for each story. As naive as i can be, i still bear hopes on this one day that fairytales are actually true accounts of love that never ends.......

I came to realise one thing as well, it doesn't just take 2 hands to clap but on-lookers to refrain from "dissatisfaction". Shall not comment any further on this. My point is simple, treasure what comes to you that you feel your instinct is right about. When something passes you by, it MIGHT be the last.

Quote of the night....

Bearing the cold weather with the icy tempest in my heart
Setting up the shield of solitude against the radiance of the sun
I cast the memories far into the abyss
Leaving no trace of the past flowing in between.......

Through the winds of despair.....

That's me in the lab hahaha guess what, you are right, there ain't anyone in the lab but me, it is a sunday afternoon hahahaha well, essentially, the lab allows this kind of "dressing" hahahahah that's pretty awesome isn't it :)

Well anyway, just to keep people interested?? haha too much "exposed" pictures would not really reflects well on me, i thought so hahaha anyway.

This entry will be short, i am kinda in this post- "trance" mode that seems to somewhat stuck in between of the resting and the hyper stage. Weird though, probably due to the tonnes of works that's coming 1 another.

Your image intertwines with the nerves of mine....

A pulse of potential twitches my nerves,
The sense of speaking grew past the silence treshold,
A word of greeting off it goes
The heart that awaits for an angel's call.......

Quote of the night.....

You will only know how it feels like when you are there....

Is it time?

The weather has been really cold and the temperature could drop down to 10 degrees C or even further down. Have been doing lotsa assignments day in day out, night in night out and every second, well not exactly every, but most of the time, i did be doing some homeworks. Through the night and often missed the morning lectures. But seriously, it is very tiring and i kinda envy my housemates when they went out and enjoy themselves etc. Guess i ain't an interesting person afterall, in terms of being "in line" with the "mainstream" people, not entirely but some, fortunately they are the some people, mind you, it's spelled correctly, "FORTUNATELY".

What has been really going on with my mind and thoughts, seriously it seems like there is this "membrane-like" structure that blocks out all my thoughts on things other then school works. This is going to be confusing, so in other words, my mind seems to "suffer" from a state of "workaholism". There are just so much to do that i am literaly lost in time and space. I hasn't been speaing or talking to my housemates lately, i kinda put this barrier up myself. I am not trying to target them in any ways but what i felt is , essentially they seems "free-er", perhaps not as much work as i do, well i am not trying to compare, just merely stating the facts, pretty obvious ones.

Was it me or there are some people who are also experiencing this rather minor and "un-eyes-catching" detail on facebook? Do you sometimes see your friends number decrease and increase at times when you refresh the page? I have this idea that i might have accepted "unknowingly" (i don't how), some "virtual" friends hahaha, "read" the inverted comas and go with some gesture on that, pretty obvious with what i am refering to right? I don't know, maybe i am see-ing "things", hahaa crazy thoughts.

There are just so many things that i would like to share with people about my experience and perhaps make them realise how fortunate they are. But in my observations, they just don't care. It would be like, "you're the unlucky and that's your problem", that's that, cut-throat kinda attitude. So most of the time, i did rather keep it to myself and tell my stories to someone whom i can trust and learn something out of it. The difference between someone imagining the scenario with you telling them your experience and you yourself having experienced that in the past, is that the person can never reach that level of emotional "crunch" that you have been through. Other then trying to draft out a nice phrase to complement your stories as you go along is perhaps the only thing that can be done, so to speak, it's the past. There is this 1 principle i hold close to my heart, well there are alot of others as well, "never believe in what you see but believe in what you feel". See-ing something is just a "emotionless" action, i am speaking in the context of relationships and mutualistic understandings, most of the time, if you have notice it, what you see, isn't really what it seems. I can be someone who is ignorant, who gives a stuck up face etc, this is what you SEE, indefinitely, it gives you a rough idea on what kind of a character i possess. But what you don't see, is in fact the things that will define my character. Believing in what you felt is often, well not scientifically or psychologically proven to be true, but essentially it tells you the right thing. Well it occurs to me that i can see exactly, not to the exact "decimals", what a person is most likely to be like by his very own nature.

I leave my very last question for you to answer. What is your idea of believe? Make it as exaggerating as it is hahaha i am pretty sure there is a whole lot of meanings that this word has hidden in it, or perhaps it is just as simple as it seems hahaha.

Quote of the night....

The charge of electricity flows only in one direction as with time moves towards the future leaving the past behind and the present stranded......

Utter disgust.....

It's perfectly alright if you are walking this path alone, to be looking around, making friends and doing certain "things" that put you further then just shaking hands. But what is definitely wrong and DISGUSTING, is when your left hand is holding a person's hand while your right hand is on the waist of another person. This is an analogy here, so there are no, "So?" kinda of questions regarding that phrase.

It is like a completely separated mindset and thinking. I feel really disgusted and i can't believe i know that person. I must have been blind but i believe that's all nature. The disgusting side of some people, who knows many.

You are so confident on the things you do, let me tell you this, your confidence is complacency. But it's alright, that's your problem and how it will affect you, you will know when the time comes.

Anyway, have been feeling rather irritated by alot of stuff over here in Brissie. Particularly, people. Not the locals, surprisingly but people of the same country of origin.

Some people are just insensitive and the more you project yourself as a happy go lucky person, the more they will assume. Some times, it is always good to refrain yourself from saying insensitive stuff or saying something that you don't mean it and that you were just trying to console someone. It is best that you keep quiet simply because, what you are seeing is the surface of a situation or a scenario, your act of ignorance is enough to strike a deathly blow to someone which you wouldn't realise it at all.

Not everyone is as lucky as you, not everyone is as fortunate as you, not everyone can enjoy life like you do, not everyone can behave like a king like you do, not everyone can complain about life like you do, not everyone can get what you already have...... there are just so many things that is not "prevalent" in others yet you are still behaving like you are the king or queen?? What's with that attitude??

You can't do anything to help but the best thing to do is, behave and not complain. Don't ask for more or hope for more, when someone at a corner is BEGGING for it. People just don't learn and just don't care........ and why should i? I am behaving like a stranger now and that i hope they do see the change......but one thing for sure, they will never understand the reason why........ Insensitive, utterly insensitive......

When will that be?

Having a cup of Continental Pepper Steak soup, awesome taste! Anway, when was my last post over here? Quite some time ago..... Been really busy with a lot of assignments, assessments and all the loads of research works that i have to do. It has been so exhaustive that i am seriously deprived of sleeps and ironically, i am still awake at this hour hahaha

Been thinking a lot, not about school works but life in general. Love, family, work commitments and friends..... I have been rather "stimulative" recently, little comments have the ability to spark a great deal of thoughts in my mind or even actions. I hasn't been really communicating with my housemates recently due to some actions they did which i consider them as "insensitive beings" and "thoughtless souls"..... i skipped out of the harsh words because i believe i am in no place to tell them off but i hope one day they will learn their lessons. :) Bless them.

Pretty soon, a quarter of the year will pass by or rather, it has already passed. This has been my busiest semester and also my most emotional phase in uni life. Why do i say that? Housemates are not "behaving" themselves which i am really unhappy about considering how much i hate it when someone do something behind another person's back. I leave this to your imagination. School work piling up like some kind of a landfill, just so much to look into and this little time to sort them out. Honestly, i did rather live alone then living with anyone else, that's just me.

How is everything back home? Seems alright to me based on the many enjoyable moments of time captured and uploaded on facebook, i am sure they are enjoying themselves which is what i want to see :) and they are safe and sound, i would die just to keep them that way...... and that's again, just me......

Been feeling rather lonely these few days and the reminiscense of the past "events" have been "haunting" me recently. Notice the inverted comas with haunting, i am not sure if it is bad but i dun think it is good either, i am pretty sure, it has a double consequence to that. Even when reading through the diary i have beside my bed right now, i can still feel how i felt back in the past, here in Brissie, amazing huh hahaha.

I see changes, so much changes that i am scared. Time flies and seems like my very first breathe i took was just a few DAYS ago. hahaha it has been 22 years since then and i felt like i have never grew up at all. Every bits and pieces of heartache i had still remain fresh in my mind and pain to my heart every time i think about them...... I am tired but i can't stop by the road side and take a break...... i want to share my life but it seems like something is telling me, "Ernest, you don't have to :)"......

Been dreaming a lot, weird and exciting dreams. The only time when i am "detached" from reality and letting loose my imaginations for a somewhat true fantasy, is when i dream at night......

I yearn for the voice that would call out to me and say, "Ernest, it's time....."

Quote of the night.......

Never forget who you are before and what you have become......... see the change and see yourself.....

The Wrath within......

Could someone tell me, what friends are exactly for? How do we consider someone as a friend? The friends i have in the mainstream world, except for 2, are full of jealousy, intentions/motives, egoistic, complacency, complaints, materialistic, lies and zero understandings. I am not trying to say everyone are like that, but it seems like for me, it has always been this way. From primary school even till now, all these craps are still existing. Shouldn't we be already adults at 23? Some are even older than me still exhibiting these kind of mentality. Perhaps the reason why i don't make a lot of friends in the places that i have been to, primary school, secondary school, polytechnic and even university, are due to, in their minds, this is what i felt from them.

1) Friends are meant to be used
2) Only when you need them, you will be good to them (Motive driven)
3) He who shares common interest, especially drinking, are soulmates and untouched for assistance
4) He will remember what he has done for you and expect a return of favours
5) He will be jealous instead of being glad over how well you did for your exams
6) He will trouble you when he is desperately in need of help but never did offer genuine helps when you are in need of it.
7) He will crawl all over you when you display the slightest sympathy
8) When there is fun, you are never remembered but when there's sorrow, he comes to you for a shoulder to lean on
9) When a person is sick within a group, he will get someone who doesn't mind staying behind to look after that person while they enjoy their day
10) Accepting a gift, you will expect a favour back in return

It is very disappointing when you genuinely take someone as a friend yet you are just like a puppet to them. It just prove one thing, some times your friends can screw up your life more than you tasting years of lonliness......

Just when you think this person is your friend, after all, you are just lieing to yourself........ sad though but it doesn't really matter, in them i see how things really work......

Quote of the night....

Pay attention to the feelings of others before you want yours to be looked after as well......

The Love of The World....

Seems like my title has became rather generic, derived from The End of The World...

Was happy today because i get to end my laboratory work early and perhaps a off for the next 2 days. I was re-watching Love of Siam (Director's Cut) this afternoon, a show that never fails to bring me to tears again and again. Apart from the love between 2 souls, the family love part was touching as well. The kind of phrases like, "Even if we are not together, that does not mean that i don't love you." and "Please take care of one another." are always the kind of stuff i am thinking about or any along the line.

We humans are always seeking f0r perfections, in short, we are perfectionists. But again, what i see in a person may be different from how others see that person. To me you are the one but to others you may not be. It all boils down to "taste" and of course, a connection some where in which you and the person possess where by others don't.

"Accept me as who i am", is it just a way of stating a "terminal" stage of ones growth? If you are what i accept as who you are or who you have always been, does that mean you are forever the way you are? Are there actually rooms for slight changes that would better suits a situation that we might encounter? Certain phrases were meant to be spoken at one point in which we feel that that's the best description of our feelings, however, it has always been so commonly used which in turns, transformed that into some sort of an excuse...and with a lost of significance.

As we all know of the treachery of love, the toughness in maintaining one and the exhaustive nature of finding one (Not pertaining to everyone of us, but some)..... Somehow or rather, i feel really safe about this one that i have always knew of. It is so perfect that i am not apprehensive of any thing at all........somehow or rather, it is a perfect fairytale that i am always looking for and seems like it's all real and it's all really happening. Though not as perfect as it seems to many but all that matters is how i look at it and how i felt about it...... I am sure many of you would also believe that what matters most is how you look at it..... speaking in the context of love...............

Quote of the night......

It's not always about you, but the both of us, as one........

The tears......

It's April already and seems like i just flew over yesterday. Reports piling up one after another, mid semester exams around the corner and a research project kicking in real fast and tight..... So much things to do yet i still have the time to update my blog.

Pretty soon, i will back in Singapore again, i am sure it will be a very different experience as compared to previous breaks i had in between semesters. I know i will be enjoying myself in your company and i want to bring joy to your life as well :)

So how many people are actually following closely to my updates? hahaha i know a few though which i felt happy to have someone who is in touch with my life, not fully but bits and pieces of them :) hahaha

In what kind of situation would you feel that the green eye monster is actually staring at you?? I have a few occasions of jealousy which i felt kinda terrible, not to the extreme of coming down with a depression but well enough to disturb my emotions.

Are people sensitive?? Towards the feelings of other or even deeper, towards the thoughts of someone else?? Some times i really hope that i don't have this emotion in me but seems like it's a norm for everyone to have it....

But these few days ever since that fateful day, i am really truely happy to be where i am now and where i will be heading to.... :) Thanks to that special one :)

Quote of the night.......

Even though the temperature could be as low as 0 degrees celsius, i can feel your warmth so close that even Artic loses all its ice......

The "roller coaster" ride ahead....

I am home alone, my housemates are out enjoying their weekends like ever before and i have always been staying home or when the mood of enjoyment kicks in, i will accompany them at times.

As usual, when i am alone, i tend to think a lot. The past, the present and of course, the future. What happened before, presently and what's installed for me in the future.... For being someone who believes in a perfect relationship scenario seems to not stand as firm as what's shown on television. Each and every one of us will have this "like" and "dislike" list in our mind, some already listed on and some comes when something "new" pops out. No matter how good a person is, this list still exist.

It is difficult to specify to someone your likes and dislikes as it would mean, you are seeking a change to someone's way of life which is definitely not an ideal way of doing things. For all we know, changing ourselves to suit the ways of others are tough and what we called, "crap, why should i do that?" Well, some people, who does not possess the courage to speak up, actually make changes to themselves to suit others without saying anything. It's just like, when others don't give way, why don't you? Right? There are many choices we can make throughout the journey in our life, we can create things, manipulate them, change them, use them, improve on them or even destroy them. There are so many things we can do and we are capable of doing, it's all a matter of making a choice out of the many that we may have. But, all these are perfect scenarios of tons of opportunity, still there are times we do not have a choice. That's when we still do it but make the best out of it....

I am someone with all kinds of emotions going on in me that some times i get really really messed up and i will go.......... blank. But i know what i really want, that's perhaps the clearest thing in my mind right now apart from studies and families of course. I always want a very simple way of life but seems like influences are really strong and i get really tired fighting them off, usually getting myself rather upset or disappointed for not being able to do the many things that others could. Saying that i am more than happy to be where i am now seems to be a very optimistic point of view but in actual fact, i did rather be home taking care of my family than to be so far away from them.

As mentioned earlier on, "we are capable of doing many things" seems to not work on me. Maybe it's just an emotional thought, well i am not too sure about it either.

I am growing old and in fact everyone is. Soon i will be 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 or even 80, if i am that fortunate but i doubt so hahahaha. I want to have a mind of a 22, what could this age 22 mind be thinking of? Well i can specify mine, studies, work as i am now, feeding my family and a long long forever relationship with the one i love........ are there anymore? I don't seems to click very well with friends of the same age, totally different mindset and mentality........ perhaps that's how my life was planned long long time ago or maybe i am just down on my luck hahaha not really actually hahahaah someone might know hahahaha

You know some times, you really trust someone a lot but at the same time, you don't wish to let your guard down..... what you see doesn't necessarily means what it is and what it is doesn't really mean it always is. There are so many uncertainties in life, in this world that it really takes a lot of effort and the sense of wiseness and maturity in order to "eradicate" these negative "forces".........

Anyway............ the sun rise for us all the very next morning.... :)

Quote of the night.....


Easter day is around the corner and my friends was in the city a few days back. The picture above is a Easter chocolate egg, with a phrase written by a young child giving out these sweet little gifts to passer-by. And it's thanks giving, so it's free. It reads, "i will grow strong in spirit and the faith of the lord is upon me"...... i am not a christian but i guess i am a free thinker or not even one :). As we grow older, do we become stronger in terms of well being and spiritual mind? We can be really strong in that but to what level depends on when things happened....... my own principle, "To cry is human".....

This little flame has been burning since.......

This has been one of my well kept secret for 6 years and i will let a bit out to release a lil' tension in me. It has been 6 years ago where this little affections were "formed". And surprisingly, it wasn't through the sight but through the other experience and through observations that this feelings were generated.

It was further reinforced with similar other experience (notice the word "other") that deepens this little conclusion or speculation or rather confirmed conclusion i had. It has been with me since then. This little sweetness, affections, feelings and emotions were kept in a box behind my mind. With so much hope i held but with this little courage to tell of my thoughts...... that lead to me keeping this "entity" for so long.

One after another fails to proceed and lead to the lost of trust in love. With the lost of trust in love comes a long recovery period. With a long recovery period comes a strengthened mentality of "independence". With this strengthened independence comes the lost of touch with love. How do we go about "reconstituting" this broken bridge that has stayed in this grim state for decades? Will time heals the pain or was it just a way of showing concern?

I wished i could go further than just conversing about life in general, but into the possible aspects of OUR life then to our own life. I wished i could have "moved in" a step closer before the others do but that level of courage has always been way below sea level......

I am happy to see your appearance with the help of the technology but it would enhance this further if i see you in person like it has always been for the past 6 years.

I have always feel that it is a mistake for the "birds" to avoid the sun. With such brilliance the sun shines, there were so much that was given to them and yet they failed to see how much contentment they would get if they realise the sun's intentions. I have always been out in the open looking up into the sky and into the sun at a quiet corner of the isle...... but what i really hope is to be able to extent my wings and fly to your direction..............

Quote of the night....

When you lose the chance to say how you feels, it might be interpretated differently when the second opportunity knocks on your door yet again........

Another Day....

Perhaps the most, erhmmm "daring" part of my life, to dye my hair the color as shown in the picture above and that's my Bed Buddy hahahaha cute isn't it? Well, it's a substitution, if i can't have the touch of real skin, this is what i do hahaha

Just came back from school not too long ago. Had brekky with my friend at Macdonalds. The feeling was great in the sense that i actually eat breakfast early in the morning at 7am. What's even more "exuberating" was this counter girl at Mac, who greeted us with so much enthusiasim and seems like her passion in this form of service, burns with intense brightness. My friend and i were delighted to have her serving us :)

Well, life in Uni pretty much the same as previous semester, as distracting or even MORE distracting than before. Some people should know what i am refering to. That aside, happened to meet my friend from the Army which we had already seen each other during Virology Lab, we have communicated after that and the reason why we didn't began to know each other's existence was because we don't want to be recognising the wrong person hahaha. Nonetheless, we spoke like as usual in the past, so what does that mean? Another friend here in Aussie.

Oh yeah, i am staying in the same apartment that i had been staying since last year, just in a different block and unit but that doesn't matter because we have the gym, we will also mean, a more healthy lifestyle.

Was kinda early for school, so i went to the School's Pharmacy and took a look at the Muscle Extravaganza supplements, i don't why i would name that haha anyway, things were very cheaper and in real bulk! A hundred bucks GNC product, about 2kg maybe? Could get us a 3 to 4kg of product at the price of 75 AUD over here! Huge difference and based on my observations on the guys over here, it seems like they have been pumping themselves with those products and it works very well for them. Perhaps they might also work well for us, well i will give it a try though :P hahaha.

Had a dream last night. People who were in my dream are, Imran, Roy, Ben, Kenneth, Vincent, Brian, and alot of other people as well. But these were the few that left some kind of an imprint on my head which i remembered clearly when i woke up in the morning. The dream seems to be some kind of a Conspiracy concept. There was actually a bag of contraband cigarettes. I dropped a box of 12 Malboro and someone picked it up and distributed to the people in the Coffeeshop. I went over and saw them doing that and told them they are mine. The whole scenario was nebulus, it's difficult to put them in words but i remembered clearly the sequence of event.

So they began to throw all back at me when someone said that a police it coming. In my own opinion, as in now, perhaps it's telling me, u will or u might be taken advantage of or in any ways along the line.

The Conspiracy comes when i purposely threw the cigarettes to a corner, someone came up to me and actually said that i don't have to throw them away, he act like an escort and in some kind of a Uniform that resembles the Police. And guess, he is one of them that i have mentioned above. So what does this tells me again? Seems like when u were being taken advantage of, someone will be there for you.....

It sounds all crappy and illogical but this is the clearest way i can present my dream, well there can be improvement though.

Enough of myself, let's talk abit about my friends.

How are you guys doing? Well, not many people will actually read so much of my composition even when i tell them about this blog i have. Some do and i am happy :) thanks for that!

I happen to know this real person, we spoke through the phone and i know he is a person, definitely not god or any thing mythical. As he was telling me he is now working in the "BIG" organisation. And coincidently, i am too. Me being in that organisation, i will somehow have an access to his profile in the organisation. But apparently, there isn't ANY trace of him at all. So i was puzzled by his persistency of his claims. Why? I believe in the World of Psychology, there should be a term to describe people who have this habit of using people's pictures as themselves and fictionalise facts about themselves. In a way, lieing to yourself to cheat others. I have friends all over the organisation, it wouldn't be really tedious for me to trace him down unless he is lieing and indeed he is. But the question is, why??? I am still pondering over this for quite some time. I am not a 3 years old kid although it seems like i am, but all these are logical signs, laid out facts right in front of me and through conversing with him, alot of the true pictures were obvious. Well if his motive is kidnap me, just tell that to me and i would actually love to know your reasons because apparently i am the wrong person. In the aspects of finance. What do you want? My laptop? My IPod or my Playstation 1? PSP? Or what? Just some things that i can't figure out the reasons which came to a conclusion or rather further reinforce and porve the idea of, there is a species called homosapiens and in this one and only species, there are all kinds of "subspecies"...... but then again, the question is, why??? Just something to think about and not all things can be actually explained by nature.... think...

Quote of the Noon................

A barren land doesn't mean a useless land, someone (an adult) who knows nothing, do nothing doesn't mean a useless man. Much like a baby, does he/she knows anything or do anything? But yet so many people adore them and TEACH them. So what does this mean? All that someone need is to be taught and guided just like HOW a baby is......

The Power of Pain....

It's Friday and it seems just like any other days but today is a special day, my very first Friday in Brisbane! What would i be doing if i am in Singapore at this hour? Perhaps roaming around town with my friends, playing Arcade in Plaza Singapura and at about 9.30 - 10.00 pm, i be heading down to Maxwell for dinner. What happens after dinner depends very much on my thoughts but most of the time, home is the answer.

But here i am in Brisbane, just like any other days i have spent over here. Housemates are affected by "alcoholism" while i don't drink at all. They all have a common topic while i am in my own World. What's on their mind? I am really curious... but not within my area of care and concern though. Sounds mean but this is how it has always been. Don't go away with any ideas yet because this is just a very small part of the big picture.

Last year i brought chipmunk along and this year i brought a white care-bear along. Any reasons for this switch? There is indeed an underlying reason but all you need to know is, it represents someone.......

Lot of school works coming up and i have a Friday off. What does that mean? More time to rest and to do revision as well as homeworks. No excuses for not doing and no excuses for not getting good grades for them......

The very last image of my mum crying still lingers in my mind..... so painful to recall on that yet so powerful as a force that drives me further........ For you i will die.......

Quote of the night..

The sounds of the wave with the sounds of the birds and the sounds of the wind will paint you a beautiful image of serenity but not without your effort........

Lost in thoughts...

As i was walking to the bus-stop, there my mobile vibrated, comes a disheartening message of distance...... on the contrary, i felt nothing at all... why? Have all my feelings dissipated with time or am i just denying myself the agony? Lying in the darkness, continents and time apart, where were you......?

The air is no longer the same as before... and i am feeling drenched even with the blazing sun. Where has my courage gone to? Where is my pillar of support? I dragged my feet to school every morning, draining every ounce of my energy within to stay awake. But still overwhelm by the power of sorrow.....

I told myself the moment the truth is clear, to let go of all but one thing, "myself".... "myself" constitutes my family, my friends and i..... All else could fall but not me....... All else could fail but not me..... As long as in every one breathe i take, i will move on and be better than before... i will take the clouds as the stones to be set upon as the base to my goals in life.... and i will give my all, not for myself but for anyone who bears a tear from me........ :)

Quote of the night....

The sword of the knight can fail but never the courage of him......

A new semester, a new beginning and a glance back.....

Now here i am, back to Brissie. I wouldn't talk about what is going on now over here but rather, a recollection on what had happened in the past 3 months back in Singapore.

I would say things were very different when i was here and when i was there. Strange emotions and strange feelings i have with people around me. Not much of a hidden agenda but an overwhelming intentions of harm. Some times you wish you can have the courage to tell some thing to someone but it always seem that some thing is holding u back from making a stand or a comment. A lot of people or maybe a couple of someone, fails to understand the fact that "never take aim using a weapon without getting the line of sight in position". What does this mean to you?

In this 3 months, i have met people who have a better "Grasp" in life and people who struggles and people who doesn't even need to care about anything. Well, i belong to the struggling category, it's pretty obvious though. But i am contented with what i have over with what i don't have.

Some times, i wonder, what are we actually fighting for or fighting over? Some fight for themselves, some fight for their family, some fight aimlessly and i wouldn't be surprise, some fight for their man/woman, some fight for their company and many more other motivational entity that one could fight for. For me, clearly i am fighting for my family, for myself and for people who have helped me. Tough fights for so many people :P.

There are many things we humans are capable of. The good and the bad things. What's in your mind, only you are clear about it. Nobody have the "access rights" to your mind unless you open GENUINELY to the person yourself. You can fictionalise the truth your whole life and get through it without "scatches" or you can present the truth and learn through life. Make a choice.

"Isotype switching" in people are very much inter-connected. Many people change because of other people and it's pretty much the factors why clicks are formed and disputes between groups of people arises.

Well, as for now, that's all, will spill more when i am free.

Quote of the night

When the going gets tough, hold someone in mind and you did achieve the impossible.....