The "roller coaster" ride ahead....

I am home alone, my housemates are out enjoying their weekends like ever before and i have always been staying home or when the mood of enjoyment kicks in, i will accompany them at times.

As usual, when i am alone, i tend to think a lot. The past, the present and of course, the future. What happened before, presently and what's installed for me in the future.... For being someone who believes in a perfect relationship scenario seems to not stand as firm as what's shown on television. Each and every one of us will have this "like" and "dislike" list in our mind, some already listed on and some comes when something "new" pops out. No matter how good a person is, this list still exist.

It is difficult to specify to someone your likes and dislikes as it would mean, you are seeking a change to someone's way of life which is definitely not an ideal way of doing things. For all we know, changing ourselves to suit the ways of others are tough and what we called, "crap, why should i do that?" Well, some people, who does not possess the courage to speak up, actually make changes to themselves to suit others without saying anything. It's just like, when others don't give way, why don't you? Right? There are many choices we can make throughout the journey in our life, we can create things, manipulate them, change them, use them, improve on them or even destroy them. There are so many things we can do and we are capable of doing, it's all a matter of making a choice out of the many that we may have. But, all these are perfect scenarios of tons of opportunity, still there are times we do not have a choice. That's when we still do it but make the best out of it....

I am someone with all kinds of emotions going on in me that some times i get really really messed up and i will go.......... blank. But i know what i really want, that's perhaps the clearest thing in my mind right now apart from studies and families of course. I always want a very simple way of life but seems like influences are really strong and i get really tired fighting them off, usually getting myself rather upset or disappointed for not being able to do the many things that others could. Saying that i am more than happy to be where i am now seems to be a very optimistic point of view but in actual fact, i did rather be home taking care of my family than to be so far away from them.

As mentioned earlier on, "we are capable of doing many things" seems to not work on me. Maybe it's just an emotional thought, well i am not too sure about it either.

I am growing old and in fact everyone is. Soon i will be 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 or even 80, if i am that fortunate but i doubt so hahahaha. I want to have a mind of a 22, what could this age 22 mind be thinking of? Well i can specify mine, studies, work as i am now, feeding my family and a long long forever relationship with the one i love........ are there anymore? I don't seems to click very well with friends of the same age, totally different mindset and mentality........ perhaps that's how my life was planned long long time ago or maybe i am just down on my luck hahaha not really actually hahahaah someone might know hahahaha

You know some times, you really trust someone a lot but at the same time, you don't wish to let your guard down..... what you see doesn't necessarily means what it is and what it is doesn't really mean it always is. There are so many uncertainties in life, in this world that it really takes a lot of effort and the sense of wiseness and maturity in order to "eradicate" these negative "forces".........

Anyway............ the sun rise for us all the very next morning.... :)

Quote of the night.....


Easter day is around the corner and my friends was in the city a few days back. The picture above is a Easter chocolate egg, with a phrase written by a young child giving out these sweet little gifts to passer-by. And it's thanks giving, so it's free. It reads, "i will grow strong in spirit and the faith of the lord is upon me"...... i am not a christian but i guess i am a free thinker or not even one :). As we grow older, do we become stronger in terms of well being and spiritual mind? We can be really strong in that but to what level depends on when things happened....... my own principle, "To cry is human".....

This little flame has been burning since.......

This has been one of my well kept secret for 6 years and i will let a bit out to release a lil' tension in me. It has been 6 years ago where this little affections were "formed". And surprisingly, it wasn't through the sight but through the other experience and through observations that this feelings were generated.

It was further reinforced with similar other experience (notice the word "other") that deepens this little conclusion or speculation or rather confirmed conclusion i had. It has been with me since then. This little sweetness, affections, feelings and emotions were kept in a box behind my mind. With so much hope i held but with this little courage to tell of my thoughts...... that lead to me keeping this "entity" for so long.

One after another fails to proceed and lead to the lost of trust in love. With the lost of trust in love comes a long recovery period. With a long recovery period comes a strengthened mentality of "independence". With this strengthened independence comes the lost of touch with love. How do we go about "reconstituting" this broken bridge that has stayed in this grim state for decades? Will time heals the pain or was it just a way of showing concern?

I wished i could go further than just conversing about life in general, but into the possible aspects of OUR life then to our own life. I wished i could have "moved in" a step closer before the others do but that level of courage has always been way below sea level......

I am happy to see your appearance with the help of the technology but it would enhance this further if i see you in person like it has always been for the past 6 years.

I have always feel that it is a mistake for the "birds" to avoid the sun. With such brilliance the sun shines, there were so much that was given to them and yet they failed to see how much contentment they would get if they realise the sun's intentions. I have always been out in the open looking up into the sky and into the sun at a quiet corner of the isle...... but what i really hope is to be able to extent my wings and fly to your direction..............

Quote of the night....

When you lose the chance to say how you feels, it might be interpretated differently when the second opportunity knocks on your door yet again........

Another Day....

Perhaps the most, erhmmm "daring" part of my life, to dye my hair the color as shown in the picture above and that's my Bed Buddy hahahaha cute isn't it? Well, it's a substitution, if i can't have the touch of real skin, this is what i do hahaha

Just came back from school not too long ago. Had brekky with my friend at Macdonalds. The feeling was great in the sense that i actually eat breakfast early in the morning at 7am. What's even more "exuberating" was this counter girl at Mac, who greeted us with so much enthusiasim and seems like her passion in this form of service, burns with intense brightness. My friend and i were delighted to have her serving us :)

Well, life in Uni pretty much the same as previous semester, as distracting or even MORE distracting than before. Some people should know what i am refering to. That aside, happened to meet my friend from the Army which we had already seen each other during Virology Lab, we have communicated after that and the reason why we didn't began to know each other's existence was because we don't want to be recognising the wrong person hahaha. Nonetheless, we spoke like as usual in the past, so what does that mean? Another friend here in Aussie.

Oh yeah, i am staying in the same apartment that i had been staying since last year, just in a different block and unit but that doesn't matter because we have the gym, we will also mean, a more healthy lifestyle.

Was kinda early for school, so i went to the School's Pharmacy and took a look at the Muscle Extravaganza supplements, i don't why i would name that haha anyway, things were very cheaper and in real bulk! A hundred bucks GNC product, about 2kg maybe? Could get us a 3 to 4kg of product at the price of 75 AUD over here! Huge difference and based on my observations on the guys over here, it seems like they have been pumping themselves with those products and it works very well for them. Perhaps they might also work well for us, well i will give it a try though :P hahaha.

Had a dream last night. People who were in my dream are, Imran, Roy, Ben, Kenneth, Vincent, Brian, and alot of other people as well. But these were the few that left some kind of an imprint on my head which i remembered clearly when i woke up in the morning. The dream seems to be some kind of a Conspiracy concept. There was actually a bag of contraband cigarettes. I dropped a box of 12 Malboro and someone picked it up and distributed to the people in the Coffeeshop. I went over and saw them doing that and told them they are mine. The whole scenario was nebulus, it's difficult to put them in words but i remembered clearly the sequence of event.

So they began to throw all back at me when someone said that a police it coming. In my own opinion, as in now, perhaps it's telling me, u will or u might be taken advantage of or in any ways along the line.

The Conspiracy comes when i purposely threw the cigarettes to a corner, someone came up to me and actually said that i don't have to throw them away, he act like an escort and in some kind of a Uniform that resembles the Police. And guess, he is one of them that i have mentioned above. So what does this tells me again? Seems like when u were being taken advantage of, someone will be there for you.....

It sounds all crappy and illogical but this is the clearest way i can present my dream, well there can be improvement though.

Enough of myself, let's talk abit about my friends.

How are you guys doing? Well, not many people will actually read so much of my composition even when i tell them about this blog i have. Some do and i am happy :) thanks for that!

I happen to know this real person, we spoke through the phone and i know he is a person, definitely not god or any thing mythical. As he was telling me he is now working in the "BIG" organisation. And coincidently, i am too. Me being in that organisation, i will somehow have an access to his profile in the organisation. But apparently, there isn't ANY trace of him at all. So i was puzzled by his persistency of his claims. Why? I believe in the World of Psychology, there should be a term to describe people who have this habit of using people's pictures as themselves and fictionalise facts about themselves. In a way, lieing to yourself to cheat others. I have friends all over the organisation, it wouldn't be really tedious for me to trace him down unless he is lieing and indeed he is. But the question is, why??? I am still pondering over this for quite some time. I am not a 3 years old kid although it seems like i am, but all these are logical signs, laid out facts right in front of me and through conversing with him, alot of the true pictures were obvious. Well if his motive is kidnap me, just tell that to me and i would actually love to know your reasons because apparently i am the wrong person. In the aspects of finance. What do you want? My laptop? My IPod or my Playstation 1? PSP? Or what? Just some things that i can't figure out the reasons which came to a conclusion or rather further reinforce and porve the idea of, there is a species called homosapiens and in this one and only species, there are all kinds of "subspecies"...... but then again, the question is, why??? Just something to think about and not all things can be actually explained by nature.... think...

Quote of the Noon................

A barren land doesn't mean a useless land, someone (an adult) who knows nothing, do nothing doesn't mean a useless man. Much like a baby, does he/she knows anything or do anything? But yet so many people adore them and TEACH them. So what does this mean? All that someone need is to be taught and guided just like HOW a baby is......

The Power of Pain....

It's Friday and it seems just like any other days but today is a special day, my very first Friday in Brisbane! What would i be doing if i am in Singapore at this hour? Perhaps roaming around town with my friends, playing Arcade in Plaza Singapura and at about 9.30 - 10.00 pm, i be heading down to Maxwell for dinner. What happens after dinner depends very much on my thoughts but most of the time, home is the answer.

But here i am in Brisbane, just like any other days i have spent over here. Housemates are affected by "alcoholism" while i don't drink at all. They all have a common topic while i am in my own World. What's on their mind? I am really curious... but not within my area of care and concern though. Sounds mean but this is how it has always been. Don't go away with any ideas yet because this is just a very small part of the big picture.

Last year i brought chipmunk along and this year i brought a white care-bear along. Any reasons for this switch? There is indeed an underlying reason but all you need to know is, it represents someone.......

Lot of school works coming up and i have a Friday off. What does that mean? More time to rest and to do revision as well as homeworks. No excuses for not doing and no excuses for not getting good grades for them......

The very last image of my mum crying still lingers in my mind..... so painful to recall on that yet so powerful as a force that drives me further........ For you i will die.......

Quote of the night..

The sounds of the wave with the sounds of the birds and the sounds of the wind will paint you a beautiful image of serenity but not without your effort........

Lost in thoughts...

As i was walking to the bus-stop, there my mobile vibrated, comes a disheartening message of distance...... on the contrary, i felt nothing at all... why? Have all my feelings dissipated with time or am i just denying myself the agony? Lying in the darkness, continents and time apart, where were you......?

The air is no longer the same as before... and i am feeling drenched even with the blazing sun. Where has my courage gone to? Where is my pillar of support? I dragged my feet to school every morning, draining every ounce of my energy within to stay awake. But still overwhelm by the power of sorrow.....

I told myself the moment the truth is clear, to let go of all but one thing, "myself".... "myself" constitutes my family, my friends and i..... All else could fall but not me....... All else could fail but not me..... As long as in every one breathe i take, i will move on and be better than before... i will take the clouds as the stones to be set upon as the base to my goals in life.... and i will give my all, not for myself but for anyone who bears a tear from me........ :)

Quote of the night....

The sword of the knight can fail but never the courage of him......

A new semester, a new beginning and a glance back.....

Now here i am, back to Brissie. I wouldn't talk about what is going on now over here but rather, a recollection on what had happened in the past 3 months back in Singapore.

I would say things were very different when i was here and when i was there. Strange emotions and strange feelings i have with people around me. Not much of a hidden agenda but an overwhelming intentions of harm. Some times you wish you can have the courage to tell some thing to someone but it always seem that some thing is holding u back from making a stand or a comment. A lot of people or maybe a couple of someone, fails to understand the fact that "never take aim using a weapon without getting the line of sight in position". What does this mean to you?

In this 3 months, i have met people who have a better "Grasp" in life and people who struggles and people who doesn't even need to care about anything. Well, i belong to the struggling category, it's pretty obvious though. But i am contented with what i have over with what i don't have.

Some times, i wonder, what are we actually fighting for or fighting over? Some fight for themselves, some fight for their family, some fight aimlessly and i wouldn't be surprise, some fight for their man/woman, some fight for their company and many more other motivational entity that one could fight for. For me, clearly i am fighting for my family, for myself and for people who have helped me. Tough fights for so many people :P.

There are many things we humans are capable of. The good and the bad things. What's in your mind, only you are clear about it. Nobody have the "access rights" to your mind unless you open GENUINELY to the person yourself. You can fictionalise the truth your whole life and get through it without "scatches" or you can present the truth and learn through life. Make a choice.

"Isotype switching" in people are very much inter-connected. Many people change because of other people and it's pretty much the factors why clicks are formed and disputes between groups of people arises.

Well, as for now, that's all, will spill more when i am free.

Quote of the night

When the going gets tough, hold someone in mind and you did achieve the impossible.....