After so long....................................................

It has been a long while since i last posted and even took a look at my blog.... In the past few years, many things have happened and i feel that i kind of lost myself somehow.... i am not someone who has a lot of friends to begin with, when i am sad or when i am happy, i don't know who i can share these with... maybe because i am born an introvert and i don't like to burden others with what is happening in my life.... i guess i am like a vacuum, a black hole that i swallow everything (good or bad), into myself...... it is pretty tiring and i am 29 this year..... sometimes i envy a lot of my friends, my peers, my colleagues and many others, i wish i am someone different, i wish i am someone who see things in a more casual way, i wish i wasn't a sensitive person and i even wish that i don't have to go through these things. Does people still read blogs? I don't know really. I don't read blogs, i just share my own insights about my own life and just using blog as a platform for me to pour my feelings and emotions out.....

The most challenging things in life is to manage people and to be with people. We are all so unpredictable, so emotional, we have our own demons and angels in us, no matter how religious we are, no matter how well we carry ourselves in front of people. We cast doubts on each other, we make judgments, we have our own opinions about things, we have many things in us that differs from one another.

Having been through a few situation, i began to realize that i get myself emotionally attached to people or things around me unconsciously.... i wish i am not like that really, it is taking a toll on me. I am not too sure about the others but it is kind of tiring for me..... it is tough and it is tough to grow up to be an adult, having to manage the changes and having to be who you are supposed to be at that particular age in life. Sometimes i don't even know who i am to myself and to others.... i don't even know how long this is going to last and i really don't know what is going to happen in the future with me being me...... sometimes i really wish that i have someone whom i can talk to and someone who can relate to my kind of situation, to talk to me, to console me and to give me some hope.... but till this time, i don't seems to have any luck with that....

I have come to a point where i don't know what sadness is or what happiness is.... there is just so much emotions going on in me that i don't know what is what..... two sides or even more sides of me seem to be fighting each other... i have a lot of characters or personalities that i adopt when dealing with different people (some of my friends who knows about me, will know exactly what i am talking about). i am seriously tired having to do this...... maybe i am purely an ultimate loner in this world, best to be alone, doing things alone and just about everything, be alone...... i have interest in very little things in life, i am not that usual guy that do things that many guys would do.

I have also realize that it is difficult to determine who is genuine and who is not.... everyone of us are good actors and actresses (that includes me). I trust myself more than i trust anybody else (i am NOT a trustworthy person, this i put it up front). People talk about good things about themselves to cover up the flaws but sometimes, flaws are good too as it shows a person's character or personality of both sides. It is all about perceptions i guess.......

i am exhausted......